especially when I have a cold, I hate laying around when I could be at work, working. I know I shouldn't be in that environment, especially the restaurant business. But my bills are not going to get paid on their own. I have car payment, phone payment & car insurance to pay off. So no slacking for me.
Even my parents know this about me. I came home today after work, and my dad was like "I knew it, that you went to work. Knowing you, if you had to, you'd crawl to your car just to work."
I don't care if I lost my voice & have a running nose, I can still work. I took one day off, yesterday, which was good enough for me. I came in today & my boss was like "What are you doing here? I thought you weren't coming. Do you want to go home?" And I just laughed and said it was okay. I can get through it plus I need money. So at work, my boss plus my co worker was like "no talking. just nod to us. save your voice for customers." xD
Lucky to those who can chill at home and rest, and you don't have to worry about money lol. But it's okay, it makes me feel more better to work. I sound crazy because I actually like working. But working makes me feel more accomplished because I worked hard for my money.

and have i changed so much. it was to the point where i would never wear make up, but now i love make up. never spent the time to do my hair, now i love doing my hair. well doing anyone's in general :) i HATED skirts and dresses, now i own alot and love them. never thought about buying one pair of heels, now i own a few. where i thought i dressed cool, but i look back and just embarrassed with myself lol. now, I am happy with who I am and the woman I've become. The only bad thing is, i love clothes & all that stuff too much where I spend too much money sometimes. But I guess it's all worth it. I have friends who are like "proud" of my change. haha they were a pretty big influence on me, but i'm thankful for that. kwonjiyong is also a hugeee influence as well. thankful for everyone who influenced me to be the person I am today. I can actually now be happy with who I am and it makes me more open. I can express just by what I wear, which makes me feel good.
just thankful in general :)

she's the most supportive person in my life. no matter what I do or decide to do, she supports it. even if it was just dying my hair, she would be like 'yeah go for it!" she use be like "no don't do it." but now she's more open. she said even if i were to get pregnant out of no where, she would never kick me out of the house or disown me as her daughter. and help me no matter what. though we both know that would never happen until i'm married lol. but just saying. she also supports whatever dreams i have. even me wanting to be in YG, she wants it for me just as much as i do. she was like "when we go to korea next year, we are going to YG building and going to hand him your audition! you have to get in."
i am thankful she is my mother. i am thankful she is so open about everything and never judges me. i love her so much and she's definitely one of my best friends.
when you get to a certain age, you'll become closer to your mom. you'll understand her more and feel sorry for how you treated her as a teenager. when mothers try to get into your business when you grow up, she was just making sure you're doing okay. she just wanted to try and understand you. when she told you no, you can't go there or do this with your friends, it was because she was trying to protect you. when she called and kept asking where you were, she was just making sure you were okay and not kidnapped or something. everything she did, was because she loved you. she kept a roof over your head and gave you food. you'll appreciate her more once you're older.

all those girls who have a big brother, even though he picks on you and over protects you. just so you know, you're lucky because atleast he cares about you. but having the feeling of wanting a big brother figure, when you actually have a big brother but he's never there, sucks. i do have a big brother, well he's my half brother (but so is my sister & we're super close), but it never seems like I do. i do love him though but we are very distant from eachother. we never really talk much and sometimes he likes to judge me and talk about me behind my back. you see, i use to be afraid of him growing up. i love my brother but was scared of him. he was a druggie and a trouble maker. he went to jail a few times and so forth. he had a really bad temper issue, which scared me the most. he also hurt my feelings alot growing up. forgetting birthdays & such.

I don't know, I just wish that sometimes I had that real big brother figure. I've always had friends that took that spot, but those friends all gone from my life so I no longer have it.

This is why I want a boy first & then a girl, so my girl can have the big brother i always wanted. :)

just because we're 14 years apart doesn't mean we can't be friends. that's an excuse because my sister and me, we're 17 years apart but she's like a best friend to me. But I also think my sister is more kind hearted and accepts people more.

Maybe one day, me and my brother will break that awkwardness between us and become close because he's moving to Germany in a few years with his wife. & After that, I don't think I will see him for a long time.

At times like this, I wish I had my other half brother. The one I never met. The one i don't even know if he's alive or not. The one who I want to find....but along with that there's a fear of rejection....

Maybe I'm just not meant to have a brother. :/

which now makes me have to decide which shoes I truly want. Lita or these wedge suede boots. I totally forgot which designer these shoes belong too. Both shoes, at TJMAXX, are $60. so it's 50/50.
though in my mind i truly want the Lita but...The wedge boots are more wearable I guess and something I KNOW I will wear every where. Trust me, these boots were cute and simple. & JiJae said that they fit my style more. I think I'm going to go for the boots, but it doesn't mean I gave up on the Lita. I think one day I will buy it for myself when I feel like I deserve them.

I dislike it when girls only say they "love fashion" because they want to fit in. but to them "fashion" is A&F or stupid preppy stores. Or they because they wear a certain style yet they don't know designers at all.

to me fashion is something that just makes me happy. something where i feel connected to. it's something that i've been interested in for a while now. i've come appreciate designers and their uniqueness. there is so much fashion out there people think that are "ridiculous & ugly"...but it's actually art, things that you should appreciate. people who aren't into fashion don't see it in the same eyes we do.

to love fashion you have to appreciate the designer & the way they made the item. how beautiful and pretty something is. not wanting something just because everyone else has it. or because you will feel "in". you want it because you love it and you know it will make you feel good when you wear it.

thankyou GD, CL, 2NE1, Jeremy Scott & HyukSoo for teaching me how to really appreciate fashion.

what the heck is wrong with the judges? Dominique obviously had a better picture than Angelea & honestly, her personality is so much better too. She's so funny and sweet while Angelea is a b****. I disliked Dominique when she was in her previous cycle because she was so full of herself. But look at her now! She's changed into a sweet person. Too bad the judges are blind to see it. Maybe it's because she became a mother. But Angelea has some major issues and I do not think she is ready for this and she doesn't deserve it. Nigel had to literally put her in the poses to get ONE okay shot. She should be doing a whole lot better for being in the All Stars round. Disappointed in this week's elimination. Dominique should be in the top 4. Not Angelea.
dang it, Lisa better win. She needs to be herself through thick n thin and don't let the judges tell her other wise. They're like trying to take her from who she is. I'm also proud that she didn't drink at that party which shows how much she wants this and how much she learned from cycle 5. Proud! :)

though i love Allison too, but I think Lisa has it all. She's really talented actually. I use to not like her in cycle 5 but now she's more mature and more professional in my opinion. This cycle, she grew on me. Actually a few girls I didn't like, this cycle i actually didn't mind. Like Dominique & Alexandria. And I use to love Bre but idk this cycle she wasn't the same. I still wish Sheena & Isis was still here but it's okay i guess. the top 4 are actually girls who deserve it. They're all good. but hoping Lisa wins :)
eversince this MV came out, dang. she needs to win.

and really, i don't have much. i've become to a point where it's hard for me to trust anyone anymore.
i also realized that i'm drifting REALLY far apart from some. some have changed and basically slowly pushing me out of their lives.
then there are people, who i talk to. but can i really call them my friends? do they concider me as their friend?
alot of these things have been crossing my mind.
i think DeeDee is the one friend that i know will never lose. that i can trust. my other friends, will they slowly push me out of their lives too? will they turn into someone i don't even know and then act fake around me? those are the people i can not stand the most. the ones that act different around me. am i really not a person you can be yourself around? i won't judge nor hate you because of it. i guess if they don't want me anymore, than i should accept it. i must have done something wrong.

i never knew he could be so freaking sweet. I first saw him on ANTM, and he was so serious and kinda eh. but once I saw how amazing he treated 2NE1, i just started admiring him. I am so glad that he takes them under his wings and treats them well. And he supports and loves them like their biggest fan. Honestly, I think 2NE1 is so lucky to have someone like him in their lives.
& His support for Big Bang at the EMA's, i was touched.
He really is an admirable & lovable guy! :)

i don't really care if they debut another group. i'm really getting tired of groups debuting anymore. sure, YG's artists are all very talented people.
but their artists like Big Bang, 2NE1, 1TYM, JinuSean, Se7en & etc. they all basically GREW UP together. they've been training since some of them were kids. that's why they are so talented. these new trainees, they just got their like maybe 2 years ago? not that i don't believe that they aren't talented. i am sure they are because they're in YG. but it makes those older artists more special because they spent their lives preparing for their debut. they got individual training and perfected their talents even more. YG said after 2ne1, he had no more trainees left. so that's why he invited like 20 more new trainees. Honestly, I think YG should keep those trainees for a little more and perfect them more. If he wants another "big bang or 2ne1" then he should wait. That way they can stand out from all these other new rookies.
But to me, there is no other Big Bang or 2NE1. those two groups are very special people with their unique talents. I have not yet seen a group to stand out more than them. But maybe that's just me being biased.
after MBLAQ & Beast debuted, i gave up lol. I can't keep up anymore.

what is this suppose to mean? you can't even say "yes, they will return." but declining to even answer it? this worries me. If big bang doesn't come back, then idk anymore. i feel so bad for the guys. They had such a rough rough year. The Big Bang i know, doesn't give up. They support each other and help each other get back on their feet. I hope there is a good reason behind why YG's bro declined to answer the question.
I'm gonna wait for you guys, even if it takes a while. You guys are half of the reason why I even care abt korean music anymore. (MBLAQ being the other half). I will wait regardless of what an interview says.

it's not really because i think i need to lose weight. honestly, i guess i'm a good weight & size. i know i am not fat or chubby. but i'm not really skinny either. i just want to be more in shape and feel healthier. i want to be happy with myself because to me that's more important than what everyone else wants/thinks of me. everyone around me keeps telling me "you don't need to lose weight! you don't need to go the gym." like my sister, she thinks i'm just doing this because i think i need to lose weight. but i told her it was because i want to feel healthier and more in shape. but i guess she doesn't believe me. oh well. actually, going to the gym makes me feel more better. i get hope and feel so much better with myself! it's like a feeling of accomplishment.
and i also go to motivate my best friend. she needs someone to push her. and our motive is, if one of us has to suffer, we both have to suffer it together lol. it's also better working out with someone to motivate you. in the end i think we're both happy going to the gym. soon, i think i feel more happy with myself! even after that though, i'm going to continue to go to the gym to just stay in shape! :)

leather jacket from tjmaxx for $30.
i've been looking for one for a long time. & i'm really picky when it comes to leather jackets lol. usually i like studded ones with a blazer look to them. but this one caught my eye & it fits me and my style well.

his music and his life story needs to be heard everywhere. he needs to be respected more and loved more.

to me, he is not like the other underground rappers. it's not all about hip hop to him. he gives you all kinds of flavors of music. and he puts painful and beautiful lyrics to his songs that fit the right melody.

sure, he's korea's fastest rapper and one of world's fastest. when he first got into music, he didn't want to be just a rapper. he wanted to be a little something different, so he practice to do it faster. and sometimes, there is those "fast rappers" that just can speak super fast. but Oustider, he did it the right way. he actually has rhythm and beat to his flow. you know what amazed me the most? for his second album, Maestro, instead of practicing to rap faster, he took a 3 month journey and went all around korea. he went and searched for musicians and influencial people and listened to their stories. and he put them all into that album, which personally, is his best album.

look up his music, if you haven't yet because trust me, you are missing out. 

been falling for him more and more lately.
he's charming from his looks, his down to earth personality, his smile, to his style and even the way he talks.
he's becoming closest to who my ideal guy is. which is setting my standards for a guy more difficult and higher haha. i am really picky when it comes to guys as it is.